serenity

sometimes, all we need is a drama-free beach trip to find peace again...at least for a while. with all these chaos that seem to find their way to me these days, i think i forgot what last year's summer felt like. carefree. adventurous. fun. young. the me back in summer of '08 felt like a distant memory. this beach bum weekend reminded me once again that hey, i can choose to have fun when things seem too much of a burden. relax cat. you're fine.

now switch back to life mode. :)

the time traveller

if i could travel back in time, i would...

...tell my 23 year old mom (bless her poor heart) to not be scared because i'd be a good daughter. i'd tell her that i'd eventually forgive her for the circumstances i used to blame her for. i'd tell her that i won't ever feel the need to know or look for my father so she won't need to worry that she'd lose me. i'd tell her to watch her diet because she'd get sick. and finally i'd tell her to not screw my birth certificate up because 24 years later, i have to fix it and go through all the legalities and i don't know where i would get the probably hundred thousand i'd have to spend on it.

...tell my younger self to hang on, it's going to be okay. life would be better. it would be one heck of an adventure. that the lows would be terribly heartbreaking and the highs would be utterly exhilarating.still, it would be worth it. so hang in there.

same thing i'll tell the present me. hang in there. hang in there.
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to the aunt

edited:

there were so many things i wanted to tell you.

but somewhere along the way, i got exhausted. with you and your family.

i'm done hating you. i'm done caring either. they're both exhausting.

i just don't feel a thing anymore.

i'm finally free from you.

you have no right to hurt me again. i won't give you the right to get to me.

never again.

dusk

for the most part, i love being a grown-up. the maturity and experiences that come with it is priceless, take my previous post as exhibit a. but this is one of those times when i wish i was younger so that i could pretend not to care about some serious things happening in my family. what they didn't know was i pray quietly and furtively for things to be alright, oftentimes bargaining with god for the sake of the people i love.

i've been so restless and consumed by this nagging feeling these days and the truth is, i'm scared. i'm scared out of my wits. these things are bigger than me and all of a sudden i feel so small, powerless. once again, i whisper a quiet and desperate prayer to god every minute i get the chance and i tell him...

i don't know how all these would play out but if it's not too much to ask, can my family survive this?please?please?

these things are beyond my control and if they go the other way, our lives might never be the same again. is this the good kind of change? i don't know. all i know right now is i fear for the people i love, for myself, for the future. i know i should be strong now but i can't and i want to give myself that privilege; to feel without the need to explain myself, to feel without everyone asking me if i'm fine. i owe no one an explanation for how i choose to deal. i'm not okay and no one can do anything about it. things will happen if they're meant to happen and all i can do is watch them go by and try to cope and pick up what's left.

are we going to survive this? am i going to survive this?

i don't know what's ahead and i stand here helpless, dumbfounded, desperately waiting.

24 things i learned in 24 years

life lessons based on real life personal experiences...

1.don’t rush growing up.once you get to the so-called real world, it’s a whole new different ball game.all of a sudden, you’re an adult and there’s no turning back.

2.you can’t choose your relatives but you can choose who you want to have a relationship with.love the ones who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t.

3.people treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

4.a summer fling is JUST a summer fling.no more, no less. :)

5.letting go of grudges is one of the best decisions one could ever make.it’s like breaking out of a cocoon, you go through a painful process…but once you see there’s a bigger world out there than your drama, you’ll never want to look back.

6.God answers, sometimes before you even ask.

7.take risks.one of the perks of being young is having the license to throw caution to the wind and take chances, make your own mistakes, and start over.sure there’s no guarantee that every risk you take will pay well (that’s why it’s called leap of faith), but when it does, it’s all worth it.nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could’ve changed your life.

8.love your body, flaws and all.wear your skin proud.it took me a long time to get here but then I realized it’s the best confidence booster one could have, better than any beauty brand in the market.

9.to people who are not your good friends or loved ones who do you wrong (officemates, schoolmates, relatives, etc.): you have no right to upset me.you don’t matter enough to upset me (from the movie the reader).

10.when you start earning your own money, you’ll understand and appreciate your parents better.you realize being a grown-up isn’t as easy as they make it look.

11.at some point people will disappoint you.even the ones you hold dear.just remember that no matter how much you despise someone, that person is still someone else’s loved one.think before you speak.think even twice when you’re angry.no amount of apology can take hurtful words back.

12.it is possible to tour 4 cities and 3 countries in one trip with just P23,000 (or even less).traveling is one of the best and most rewarding ways to spend your hard-earned money.also, you HAVE to visit CAMBODIA at least once in your life, the experience changes you in ways you can’t put into words.

13.dreams do come true.3 years ago,I made a list of 100 crazy things I’d like to do before I die, the kind of crazy things that even I didn’t believe I could experience in this lifetime.when I found the list again this year, I was surprised and grateful to find out how many of those things on the list I’ve actually done – some even better than I’ve imagined.

14.singlehood is both liberating and lonely.

15.a text message I received: if you don’t act foolish while you’re young, you won’t have anything to smile about when you’re older.so i say, go on that adventure, you’ll never know what surprises await unless you take the plunge.feel the fear but face it anyway.

16.you will lose someone you love and it would hurt more than you think you can take.it would feel like your heart is being violently ripped out of your chest and pounded into pieces and you can’t do anything to ease the pain. no words of encouragement from anybody could make you feel better.well, the pain never really goes away.you either just grow stronger or get numb.

17.failure is a good starting point.maybe you need to hit rock bottom to realize your true strength and passion. sometimes it is in not getting what you want that you clearly see what really matters.

18.go to your favorite artist’s concert or you’ll miss out on that extraordinary experience as a fan – your heart beating out of your chest the moment the lights are dimmed and you hear the first chords of the guitar, that exhilarating energy from the crowd, screaming your lungs out when your idol asks you to sing with him/her/them, that high and LSS, and the bragging rights to say “oh that?i was there.”

19.happiness is a choice.it took me 23 years to learn this.

20.you’re never too old to try new things.it doesn’t matter if you’re 17 or 70,you can always have first time experiences…like learning how to surf the waves of zambales at 22 or learning how to cook real food other than eggs and pancit canton at 23 or shifting to a new career at 24.

21.your family is your best support system.sure you’ll have your differences and disagreements; there might even be a time in your angst-filled teenage years that you’ll want to stay away from them as far as you can.but it gets better when you get older.you’d understand what it’s like to be a grown-up.you’d learn about compromise.you’d realize that they’d be the one to take you in at your best and at your worst, no questions asked.

22.on boys:as you get older, looks take the back seat.you’d rather spend hours talking to someone you have a connection with or a decent smart conversation with rather than a minute with a blue-eyed boy next door who only cares about his hair wax or number of friendster views.

23.forgive yourself – for the mistakes you did, the time you can’t turn back, the things you weren’t able to say, for not knowing what you want, for faltering, for not being what other people want you to be. you owe that to yourself and nobody else.

24.things don’t always go according to your plans.you don’t always get what you want.you don’t always get what you deserve.you don’t always get treated how you think you should be treated.you don’t always get to be who you wanted to be.

stop whining. nobody said it was easy. suck it up and move on.